How to Show Military Families They Matter
Time is a cruel mistress.
I don’t run quite as far or as fast as I once did. My original hairline is a distant memory, and my body sounds like an unfolding lawn chair when I get out of bed.
On the other hand, time has a magical quality of reinforcing the old adage - some things get better with age.
For the record, I love getting older and hopefully, a little wiser.
It’s not a stretch to imagine that as a young Navy fighter pilot I was pretty selfish and narrowly focused. Most of my sentences probably started with “I need to…” or “I want to...”
It is baked into the job description - you and you alone are the pilot of this awesome multi-million dollar weapon system.
Go do your job and for God’s sake bring it back without a scratch.
It took me some time but I got there.
“Teamwork makes the dream work!”
As I matured as an officer and aviator I began to appreciate all the man-hours and effort it took to generate one hour of flight time in those beautiful fighter jets.
When I finally stepped into the role as the Commanding Officer of VFA-147 I learned that teamwork really starts at home with our military families.
Families are forced to deal with lengthy deployments and detachments.
They don’t get a choice.
Many times those deployments and detachments are extended in the name of national security or geo-political strategy.
Those words are tough pills for a spouse and young kiddos back home to swallow. All they hear is, “It’s going to be a little longer until Mom/Dad gets home.”
Bummer.
While I couldn’t lift the burden of military service on family members, I learned a lot as a commanding officer about how to show families they matter.
Welcome spouses and offer them a spot on the team.
Not everyone will take you up on the offer and that’s fine!
Respect their space and know that you tried.
On the other hand, your offer might be exactly what a new-to-the-Navy spouse needs to feel like he or she isn’t alone - that’s a big deal.
Communicate.
Even when you think everyone is tired of listening…they aren’t.
Anytime you have updates to schedules, on-base facility closures, or squadron functions, blast the information out. And then blast it out again.
The out-of-left field, “Hey Babe, umm…the squadron is leaving for Fallon Nevada next week. We’ll be gone all of October.”
That is brutal on the home front.
Be an advocate for families by over-communicating major and even minor muscle movements.
Lend an empathetic ear.
As much as I like tough guy movies and tough guy characters (like Rip from the Yellowstone series)…
I can say with confidence that when families are forced to deal with bad news or just the inconveniences of the military, as a leader it’s okay to soften those edges and show some empathy.
While it may not change the outcome, sometimes it is nice to know that somebody out there is willing to listen - really listen.
Sometimes we all need to be heard.
Be willing to solve practical problems.
Military families have a lot to juggle.
Be the leader that is willing to jump in with both feet and provide practical solutions.
For example, be ready to advocate when the Child Development Center closes early or changes its schedule.
It may be a phone call or deeper conversation with a senior officer, but that is a real problem for families with two working parents.
On that note, if the squadron is going to change its schedule, do your folks a solid and make sure they have child care options.
Not every issue is a matter of national security, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t important.
Get in there and make it happen.
Be nice and be human.
I remember my first time stepping on a military base. It was intimidating.
Everyone was wearing camouflage, people were walking in strange formations chanting unfamiliar military songs!
I was uncomfortable.
I can’t imagine what it must feel like for a spouse. This is my new life? Where are the normal people?
Be the olive branch.
Be the warm blanket that makes our military communities special. Be a human being versus Commander Jeff Fellows, Commanding Officer, United States Navy.
For example, “Hi my name is Jeff, thank you for coming to see (insert Sailor’s name) get promoted! We are so happy to have you, can I get you a cup of coffee or anything?”
It goes a long way.
Nothing we are doing is more important than our very own families. Take care of them.
In the military, often times that means friends, neighbors, or squadron mates are filling in while the active duty member is gone.
Invest in those relationships, for me it was the very thing that made sure Mom and kids were alright.
That is what we are doing at The Ready Room Project!
We want our military spouses and kids to know we see you, we care about you, and we want to say -
