It’s Exciting, Dreadful, Lonely, and Rewarding: It’s a Cruise in the U.S. Navy
Saying goodbye to my wife and 6-month old son Griffin moments before leaving for my 1st cruise
It is no secret…
that serving in the armed forces requires the service member to endure long periods of separation from loved ones.
Sometimes it’s a training detachment for a couple of weeks, other times it is a full blown combat deployment (commonly called a “cruise” in the Navy) that could last 8-10 months.
Having endured many of these detachments and deployments I can tell you it is…a lot!
I wanted to share a little perspective on what it was like for me as a husband and dad on a scheduled deployment - where my home was a beautiful, hulking, and smelly aircraft carrier.
So Much Fun!
This may come as a surprise to some…but I really looked forward to getting out on deployment!
I’ve admitted this to my wife already, so I am in the clear, but I loved it. I really did.
When a squadron deploys on an aircraft carrier it takes a couple of days to get the people, parts, and airplanes onboard before you actually start heading out into the wild blue yonder.
Those first 36-48 hours were so fun. It felt like I was unpacking for camp.
I liked getting my tiny little room organized, setting up my creature comforts meant to remind me of home, and drinking lots of coffee with my fellow squadron mates.
It actually takes a lot of hard work just to get to deployment.
It signifies that your squadron/unit has successfully finished all the training requirements and you are combat ready.
I remember those moments well and cherished the attitude - Let’s go get the job done!
Until it isn’t…
And then, that wears off.
The calendar seems impossibly long. The return date (if you even have one) might as well be from a different galaxy, it feels so far away.
For me that was always a difficult reality.
As a husband and father, my impact was reduced to email and the occasional ship-based phone call with awful, delayed audio.
My wife (an incredible Navy spouse) was the family rock. She was the Fellows Family Judge, Jury and Executioner (figuratively speaking).
It was really hard for me to be anything other than a cheerleader while 10+ time zones removed.
I’d encourage my kids to, “be good to your brother and sister, do well in school, be nice, look people in the eyes, give good hugs, and be sweet to your mom!”
Backing those behaviors was all on my wife.
I got a lot of pictures, video messages and love from home, but I felt like a passenger/observer watching my family go through life without me.
It is hard being away from these faces
It wasn’t fun.
My reality was so different. It wasn’t one moment like a missed birthday or first day of school, I missed being a part of their everyday lives.
I love being a husband and dad that is in the mix - cleaning, driving, packing lunches, cleaning, buying sports gear, cleaning.
It’s hard to do those things from an aircraft carrier.
Cruise Routine
As I reflect on these memories, it amazes me what a human being can get used to.
Through repetition, events that were once exciting, new, loud, and even jarring become normalized.
There was no sense in fighting the aircraft carrier environment, I had to adapt and find comfort where possible.
What I learned over the course of a 20+ year career is that the routine is what makes deployment tolerable. The sooner I could get into my “cruise routine” the sooner the days, weeks, and months began to pass.
Even combat operations became routine.
The lead up to the first day of combat sorties (aka flights) were intense.
As pilots, squadrons, and air wing team we would mission plan and extensively talk through our airborne procedures and contingencies.
It was very exciting.
The big day came. We were out “there” doing what we trained for. Being the business end of American diplomacy was fulfilling.
I was proud.
I learned quickly that every mission wasn’t blood and guts. Sometimes we’d just talk to a Marine or Army soldier on the ground.
Sometimes our mission was to let them know, “Hey, we are up here, we got your back if something goes down.”
After a week or so of going through the combat mission process even that became routine. Not to be confused with complacency, the routine is what made it executable.
The down side, even communication with home became routine.
I tried to write at least one email home everyday, and my writing just got more and more boring (in my opinion).
“Hey babe, flew late last night, woke up just before lunch, flying later today, going to try and grab a workout and get some paperwork done. I miss you and the kids more than anything, I love you!”
And a lot of the updates from home were similar, just an update on their routine.
Looking back on it, those seemingly “boring” messages offered a lot of comfort for my wife and me.
It was a signal that our family was in “cruise routine” and that we had weathered a difficult part of deployment.
Homecoming and Month After Deployment
You have seen the pictures, videos, and hugs that capture the moment when a deployed service member comes home.
I cry when I see those too.
I have had the opportunity to experience that moment more than once.
Lining up with your fellow squadron mates, walking toward the mass of happy people, and breaking into a sprint to find your family is pure joy.
On my first fly-in from cruise, I think I made 2-3 steps before I started running for my wife and kids.
We had been waiting for this moment.
We literally smashed into each other and started hugging and kissing.
We did it. We made it home.
Those moments are special, and they are hard-earned.
The tears dry, the hugs release and now you actually head home with joy still radiating.
At some point in the homecoming the confetti cannons stopped, and we had to start living our lives again as a family.
While it should be easy, the first few weeks required more effort than I expected.
For the previous 8 months I had been on a very different routine than my wife and kids.
I was used to staying up until 1:00-2:00am in the morning, eating cereal with my friends.
I had a specific spot in my stateroom where my flight boots went, now I was seeing tiny velcro sneakers by the back door.
It wasn’t my normal.
I’d ask my wife (foolishly) “Hey Babe, when did we start putting the kids shoes here?”
It takes time and maybe even a couple of deployments to know that questions like that are…not great.
I think my wife’s response under her breath was something along the lines of, “Hey Mr. Wonderful, we are all alive, kids have all their fingers and toes, shut up about the shoes.”
Experience taught me to just jump back in the fold and proactively adjust to my family’s routine.
I needed to take out the trash, run to the grocery store, contribute to laundry folding to shed my “cruise routine.”
It didn’t take long for those rough patches to pass, and for me it was the final hurdle to get over before I felt like I had made it all the way home - physically and emotionally.
All in, I’d say deployments added value to our family, but it comes with a pretty hefty price tag.
The families that endure these separations are serving at home.
They do it selflessly and they do it for each other - they have to.
